I’ve had a full year of freedom. Freedom to pursue my goals, work out at the gym anytime I want. Freedom to write as I please. Explore as I please. Travel to zoos and museum and distant places I’ve never been before. Yet, something feels unsettled still. Despite the freedom I feel like something BIG is missing. My routines are evolving, my home systems are evolving and I too am changing all the time. Yet I feel a strangeness… I cannot name what it is to be at home with two little children, the moments of joy and exasperation are simultaneous. As I think about the passing of my beloved grandmother, I am struck by how much she always expected me to do, to push me outside of my comfort zone, to reach and aim high.

Am I settling?

Am I settling for the status of SAHM?

Am I achieving the status of SAHM?

Neither. Both.

Have you felt this tug of war in your chest? If so, how did you overcome it?